|| CW: Domestic Violence

There is a scripture that we overcome by the word of our testimony, and that, in sharing our experiences, it allows other people the opportunity to know that they're not alone and they can overcome. They're seen and they're loved.  Someone needs to hear this. And it's okay. You don't lose anything by anyone knowing that you’ve been through a hard time. 

I met someone and got married very quickly, like within eight months. He was abusive. That's the bottom line to it. It took me Googling what he was doing and finding out that he was basically narcissistic. Any magazine article that I came across, "these are the warning signs of being with a narcissist." Each and every one [described him verbatim]. While I'm not a professional, I can't diagnose it, it just was what it was. 

Hundreds of things happened that I would just repress. I would just not think about it and tell myself, "OK, well, OK. You're OK now, We're OK now. OK, all right." I'm succumbing to whatever his mood was. If he was abusive, it's my fault. "OK, what did I do? What can I do differently? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." And then the next day was the honeymoon phase. They call it love bombing, where they are wooing you back, and so that cycle just kept continuing, continuing and continuing. 

I had to go back to my family as recently as earlier this summer, and say to some individual members, "We're not as close as we were and here's why." Just the seeds of deceit and manipulation that were planted from that relationship ran really deep and I didn't realize it. You're going back and just digging up these roots of discord you didn't even know existed.

There were things once I started to share with people, like, "Hey, this is what's been going on," that eventually one of them who was rooting for him, [saying,] "You know, everything's going to be fine, just continue to hang in there." When I told them he had thrown a glass of water at me, she was like, "That's enough. That is just enough. I was rooting for y'all, but this is just ridiculous. It's time for him to go." 

I knew it didn't feel good. Had I really trusted my inner voice, I would have just left. I remember telling my mother, "Pray for me, because I can't leave. I know that what's happening is wrong, but I can't leave." My parents literally drove here from their home state, packed my things into a car and drove me back to their house. I quit my job and everything. I was back [with him] in one week because I didn't trust that I would even make it. Now, mind you, here's the tricky part. I was the breadwinner. I was paying all the bills. I was doing all the grocery shopping. And I decided I couldn't make it. So, no, I didn't trust myself. 

If I had to tell my younger self anything, it would be, "it's OK to want attention, it's OK to want to engage with people, but it can't be at your own expense."

Relating it back to my scar - this scar on my elbow. It is from riding my bicycle in 5th grade. There was a very steep hill. I saw one of my teachers there on the weekend. I don't know why he was there. But I jetted down this hill trying to get his attention while he drove away [and I fell]. 

When I was younger, I was kind of attention seeking. Even if it was just to say hello, even just to be acknowledged as someone is literally driving faster than I could ever pedal up the street. While it was innocent, it has, in my personal life, led me to make some decisions that I wouldn't make had I just felt completely and utterly validated within my own being. 

There's a saying that the truth always comes to light, and I just feel like evil can only happen for so long. Thankfully, that marriage lasted one year and I filed for divorce because it was just beyond my imagination. I'm grateful that it was [only] a year. He showed his true colors the weekend after we got married, but I still felt like I owed it to my family, to God. We stood up here, we said "till death." 

I went to therapy with my ex and by myself. The therapist said, "I'm not going to mince words with you. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything. You're a victim of domestic violence and domestic abuse." And when she said it, I already knew things weren't right. I had left and come back [before]. And she said, "if you have parents who have been willing to come and get you, consider yourself lucky. Most people have to go through seven incidents of domestic violence before they choose to leave." And I had [been through] way more than that, and it had become physical even after she told me this. But she was like, " If you have family and friends that are willing to rescue you, go with them and do not turn back." It took me about another month, a month and a half. And I was like, OK, this is it. 

I think just simply by filing divorce papers, [I started my healing process]. [Right after,] I booked a flight to Mexico and just spent time with myself. And, you know, my therapist was like "you're grieving!" and I'm like "No I'm not." There was a grief, a sadness that was overwhelming while I was married. [The afterward] was a celebration. This is living, this is trusting myself. So I did some traveling by myself. Started this business. Spent some time with family and friends. Those were the big things. Community was huge in terms of rebuilding and re-trusting myself.

I have always known love. My parents have been married over thirty years. There were moments they didn't agree on certain things, but there was never disrespect. There was never calling one another names. They represented a team and there was no tearing down of the other person, their soul, their being. [So] when it started to happen to me, I said, "I don't know this. This does not feel good. There's no reason why." 

I'm a pretty agreeable person. Like, "Sure what day, what time? Ok, yeah I'm in. Whatever."  I'm that kind of person. So when I was bending and bending and bending and bending and starting to break, I thought, "This is not fine, this is not okay. This is not how any of my other relationships in my life operate. This is not love. So we either need to figure out how we get to love, or I have to go." I mean, I just knew that. My compass, my true north, was my parents.

[What helped me was] the concept of radically accepting what you feel and then navigating from there, what I feel is OK vs. what I feel is not right. If it feels uncomfortable or if it hurts a lot. [Sometimes] I don't need to make myself feel better or make the situation better. I just need to stop and ask, “Why is it that I don't feel OK? Why is it that I feel uncomfortable? Why is it that it hurts? What is happening?” 

I knew I didn't need [certain] people, but realizing how much I didn't need them [was important]. And that literally I am enough by myself and there is no space, there is no room for mistreatment. Walking away the first time you see it is OK. I should have as much or more grace with myself than for other people.

Two and a half years ago, I started this business. It was at the end of the marriage. When I was confused and just trying to figure out what to do, I would watch YouTube videos. There would be these motivational videos, these sermons that I would watch. I'm very religious and follow Christianity. So while I was listening to these, this little video in the corner was recommended, and it was this soap making video. And I was like "This is not what I'm trying to do with my life."  But then when I finally watched it, I was like, "I want to do this." 

When I couldn't get my thoughts together, what I do is I shower. I think that during the marriage that was the one place that I could lock the door and turn on the water and hide. There were times I couldn't even figure out what clothes to put on. I would just sit there. And I'm like "I'll just shower, then I'll figure it out." That would have been my fifth shower for the day.  Then I would come out and [if he asked], "Oh, what are you doing?" [I’d say,] "Oh, I'm showering." That's an innocent thing. But if I was in the room with the door locked, it's like, "What are you doing? Who are you in there with? Are you cheating? Who are you watching? Who are you calling?" But not in the bathroom. There wasn't that stigma to it. 

Soap making is soothing, it's kind of like cooking. It's just a creative outlet. You can mix things together the way you want or see fit.  I also realized that showering is how I was coping and that's how I was caring for myself. When I put those pieces together, I thought, "Well maybe someone else can benefit from [bath] products like this.” Just taking a moment, taking a beat and escaping.

It just took me a couple of months to build up my money because I had none, but I had found a hundred dollar gift card someone had given us for our wedding. That's what I used to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond and buy the very first thing that I was going to use to make soap. I still have it. 

I was born [in a town where] there were four black families and we knew them all. Then we moved to the east coast to one of the most affluent black counties in the country. To [then] see black people and see them doing well was kind of mind blowing to me. So I liked being there mainly for the diversity, seeing people that look like me [who] were doing well. 

Had it not been for being in the county I lived in and being in an environment where I was witnessing musicians living out their dreams and living out their lifestyle, I wouldn't have been able to [pursue music in college.]  I went to a performing arts high school, but even earlier than that teachers just recognized in fifth grade that I should pursue music, even as a hobby. It wasn't like, "She should go on American Idol!" It was like, "She should be in these choirs. She should audition for this or that." And it's something I didn't recognize within myself. Singing was just something I like to do. I enjoyed music for music itself, and seeing the potential for there to be a career in it led me to [still singing today.]  I still talk to people from high school, teachers, mentors. They have provided such support throughout the years. And I'm like "I'm not losing contact with you. We might talk here and there, but we will talk. We will catch up. You have been part of major events and major moments in my life."

My friends lifted me up when I couldn't lift myself up. When I started my business, I said "I'm going to be making body butter."  It was my friends who would try it out, and then I'd be like "Ok, I'll start selling." They'd say, "How's this? You come to an event I'm having, and you'll sing, but you'll also sell your products too." My friends bought everything that I brought that night. And I thought, "Ok, I can do this!" And then I launched the next week.

When I launched, it wasn’t like I sold out of everything. No. I sold one thing. To a cousin in Florida.  But that was the boost that I needed, I had something, and people liked it. So let me just make it and see what happens. My business is not generating millions of dollars by any means. I still work my day job full time. But it's definitely been a creative outlet in a way to meet people like you that I would have never ordinarily crossed paths with. So for no other reason than that, I'm fine. I'm getting to share this story. 

My advice to young entrepreneurs is just start. In the kitchen or in the basement, just start. Walk around with little Easter baskets, if someone's curious like, "What's that?" and just say, "Oh it's so beautiful, you want to smell it?"  And just let them smell it and see if anything progresses from there. I never thought I would have this [rented studio] space even. I saw it on Craigslist or something, and I was like “Oh my gosh. There's so much sun.” That's all I really want after working in a dark basement where I was mixing my soap concoctions.  And here we are! 

People have asked me in certain interviews, "What have you found when you've joined the business community?"  Support, new love, and connection. I don't understand what it is to be competing with people. There are soap makers who are my friends, soap makers that we have our products on shelves right across from each other. We're in there, re-stacking. We're catching up like we're girlfriends and hugging each other like, "Hey! I like that, I like that!" or we're giving each other tips and pointers. I have not known competition and I don't understand that. My race is my own. It's not even a race. My walk, my journey is my own. I don't have anything I need to compare it to. I'm going to show up with myself and support and show love because I don't have anything to prove.  

I found community in places where I was doing what I love the most. With singing, I found a choir that these people, literally to this day, 15 years later, are still people that are at my house, know my family. If it was in the business space, it's been people that I met in those organic connections. I don't like to force anything. I don't like to be opportunistic and be trying to get something from anyone. I just want to know you, you to know me.  

In following Christ, we are loved and that we are seen. Even though life is what it is, we are loved and we are saved and we have community and we're not by ourselves. Like I said, soap is not a money making experience for me, but it has led me to make connections and just have a deeper sense of purpose and a deeper sense of oneness with people around me.  

I tell myself now that being selfish is not negative. Taking care of yourself is not negative. You are able to love others better when you have loved yourself well.