I chose [to paint] my eyes because they are almost like a window; I can’t hide my emotions in my eyes.   [I’m a] person, vulnerable in front of another person.

When I was younger, this lady came up to me and [asked,] "Oh my God. What's wrong? You look so sad." 

And I'm like, "What do you mean?" 

And she said, "I could see the sadness in your eyes."  

I was going through a lot. I was homeless. I was just sitting there, waiting for the day to go by, waiting to go back to my shelter. But I didn't put too much thought into [my feelings] until it was brought to my attention. For some reason with pain, people can see it through my eyes, even though I wouldn't know it myself at that moment. And it always stuck with me because it happened to me three times, like “I can see a lot of pain and hurt in your eyes.”  Even if I try to hide it, you can see my sadness. I speak it and say it, but you see it, you feel it.

Today, I want you guys to be able to see where I'm at in life. My emotions right now, I don't think would be sadness. Life experiences, whether traumatic or really happy, all teach you a lesson [that creates] an evolved version of you. Life humbles you.  I've had to hit certain points in my life to be humbled. I understand and know how life can be so beautiful, yet such a disaster at the same time. You got to take both, hand in hand, and learn how to balance it out.

The things that used to entertain me back when I was younger don't entertain me anymore. In my late teens going into my twenties, you couldn't even keep me in the house. It was like I was going to miss something if I don't go outside, it would be an itch. I would only be home to sleep, wake up around like four or five in the afternoon, have to shower, [then] I'm out for the night getting into trouble.  I was always very rebellious. On my report card, I would always get "defiant and insubordinate."  It was because I was always very outspoken about certain things and I never knew how to shut up.   I guess it was a good and a bad thing.  [I miss] that part of me, having that spunk, and I had some of the best times of my life also. [But] it blinded me from the bigger picture of what was going on around me. 

If I had advice for my younger self it would be “don’t play with time.” I missed out on a lot of opportunities. My biggest dream is to get some type of visa, some type of status in this country.  I would have my papers already because my father had applied for me when I was younger, but I didn't go through with it [because] I was running away. I was in a home, I was in different placements, so my mind wasn't [where] I would have made sure that I went to everything I needed to go to, no ifs, ands, or buts. I was so careless and carefree like, “I'm a kid, I don’t want to deal with it right now. I want to go out and have fun.”  But if I had the mentality I have now, I could have been in a different situation right now, in a better situation. If I had everything in place where it needs to be, it wouldn't be so unknown what could happen. Take care of everything you need to take care of and then have fun because that's how it's supposed to be. Enjoy yourself because you have the reassurance that everything is set in stone. 

I was always ultra feminine. When I would try to be boyish, you could tell it was forced. Everything, from certain features, like my hands, my feet, my legs, the way I walked, the way I talked, my mannerisms - it was always really feminine. Even for the gay community, I wasn't manly enough because they were like, "Oh no, we want a man." I wasn't a man. And when you become a trans, it's almost like you deal with people [in] secret, behind closed doors, nobody sees or nobody knows.

I would say the life of a transsexual is very hard, and if I had to give anybody advice on that, I would tell them to really make sure that it's something that they want to do.  You're going to get judged every day of your life, when you walk out the door, when people see you. You're going to get picked on just because of who you are or how you choose to live your life, whether you're a good person or bad.

Being on the strip and seeing all the other trans women, some looking more “passable” than others, and some not, with a beard, being out there with not a care in the world. That gave me the courage to be like, "all these people could do it, why can't I?"  It gives you that push, that confidence, and you're reassured. You’re [going to see] a lot of different stuff, [not just] the pretty You're going to see the ugly, the bad, everything.

I remember one time I was on the strip about fifteen years ago, I was in this sex store, and this guy brought me into a room. And I was screaming and fighting to get out. I know that the people that worked there heard me, but they weren't doing nothing. They were just ignoring me. He was trying to take my clothes off, and I'm holding my pants and my shirt and screaming "No!" And I remember there's this transsexual from the strip, she always used to carry a lock and a sock. She came in there, kicked that door in, and started hitting him - boom!. "Get off of her!" Boom! Boom! Boom! "Get off of her! Come on, girl. Come on." Even though [it was] a crazy predicament, she didn't have to do that, to actually come and save me. That's what she did. She saved me. It always stuck with me, that story. Seeing trans women like that gave me the courage to overcome and keep pushing forward. Acts of kindness and bravery to protect someone else. In that moment, you realize, "Wow, I'm not alone out here." I didn't even know she was there. 

A lot of [things], both in my trans life and [my] regular life, fell into place the way it's supposed to when I became more stable. The instability stopped a lot of my growth. Getting older gave me confidence and reassurance in who I am as not only a trans woman, but as a person. So it made it easier to understand certain trials and tribulations that a trans person would go through.

My mother was understanding and loving, but my father wasn't because he was a very macho-man type. To see that femininity in me, he didn't know what to do with it. I was my father's first child. And I understand that now, but I didn't for a long time. I held a grudge, I didn't see him, I would get angry. It would all stem from the childhood trauma that I went through with him. I would always say, "this is all your fault," I would blame him for everything. But then I realized [through] growing up and maturing that it is my life, that it was my choices. In all reality, when I chose to leave home and be an adult, I chose to take all those responsibilities on my shoulders. 

With life, I've seen certain things, experienced things. I realized that nothing is promised. Sometimes it's best to let certain things go because when you let certain things go, you're giving yourself peace. Like, "Okay, I can breathe, it's not so heavy." You're forgiving somebody, but at the same time, it's almost like you're giving yourself that breath of air. Because when you have a grudge or when you hold [onto] those types of pains, your breath [gets caught in your chest]. But when you let it go, it's like you can breathe. All that weight is off your shoulders.

I try to be as positive as I can. I wake up in the morning, and I say affirmations to myself. I'm happy where I am in life, how far I came [by] slowly but surely discovering myself and being content where my life is. I'm supposed to be like, "Oh, well, no, I want more and I want to achieve more," which I do, but I'm not one of those people that's like, "Oh my God, I hate my life right now."  I'm happy I have a roof over my head, I have food, I have a few little things of mine, and I have my two cats.

I have two girls, Willow and Chloe. Though Chloe is a lot, she's mine, so it’s like she’s my a lot. Willow is more relaxed. When she wakes up, she comes in, “meow, meow, meow!”  For some reason, I could picture her saying, "mom, mom, mom!" I'll be like, "Relax, it's okay." And then she'll be like "meow!" and then she'll just relax. Maybe she was having a bad dream, I don't know, I think it's so cute because she needs me at that moment. And she comes looking for me. I'm like, "Oh, my God, there comes Willow!" I'm so happy that I can give them a home. 

[Also] I’m seeing somebody. I met him eight months ago. He's very gentleman-like. He doesn't come over empty handed. He'll be like "Oh babe, I was at Trader Joe's and I brought you some snacks." Another day he bought me an orchid plant. It's sweet, it's nice! Especially when you're not necessarily asking for it. He's a really good boyfriend. He has a good job. He has been working [there] for almost ten years now. He works out. He’s age appropriate.

When you're trans, it's hard to find true love or something genuine because a lot of people, especially guys, they'll woo you for trying things out [or for] sexual fantasy. A lot of guys like to prey on trans women because they know that trans women tend to be sex workers,  tend to always be tight on money, [looking] for a place to stay, a meal, whatever they could get out of a situation. 

Life taught me how to differentiate between a good guy and a guy that's not good. I can see right through it. He's one of the good guys. He loves my cats. He texts me every day, "oh, how are the girls? What are the girls doing?" It's so cute. It's different. I like the fact that he's not insecure about the person that he is. He's not scared to hold my hand or be affectionate. That's hard to find when you're a trans woman because guys could want you for one thing, but when it comes to the long run, when it comes to opening your doors, when it comes to being sweet, they almost get embarrassed about it.  Because it's like, "I could do it behind closed doors, but I can't do it in public." [My boyfriend] likes to be sweet, 24/7, whether it's indoors or outdoors. He's a gentleman. And I like that.

I feel like I evolved through life.  I'm happy where I'm at, I'm happy with what I've learned, good or bad, because that taught me things. If I didn't experience those things I wouldn't know. And then it could be a worse outcome. Maybe I had to go through certain things to learn something, not to do certain things or to make better decisions. 

[When I was younger,] I felt lost. In all senses of the word. I didn't know what I'm going to eat, or where to sleep. [To get through it,] I had to mature and take life by the horns and just make the best of whatever situation. And that's what I learned in my life. You better be grateful and be happy for what you have at the moment because things could be totally different. You don't know. Things could be worse, you know? The most profound life lesson that I learned would have to be "Don't think it can't happen to you because it can."

I'm more of a homebody now. I don't know whether to admit it or not, but the good times [for me] would be experiencing adulthood, having my own apartment. Some people will be like, "Oh, that's boring. What do you mean having an apartment, having bills?" But you got a sense of like, "This is me. I'm controlling this. This is where this goes, this is how this is and these are my rules." And I like that. I like the control. Even now, I have the situation with my immigration going on, but I'm at a good place in my life. I see people outside in my neighborhood going to the store, on the train, that are in worse-off positions than me.

I was working through this program named [ ] and at that moment, at that time, they were helping women that were undocumented work through their company. So I was working through them at a regular job for going on three years. I moved up, I was a supervisor. It almost felt like I was a part of society, you know what I mean? Like I would wake up, [and think,] "Oh, I have to go to work." 

Two months later, the guy [I got] coffee [from] in the morning recognized me, he said, "Oh, have a nice day at work!"  It was like an acknowledgment that, "I see you and you're going to work." [And I'd say,] "Oh thank you!" Those kinds of things make you feel accomplished like you're doing something right.  It's nice to feel like you're a part of something beneficial and good. Like, yeah, I got this.

In a sense, I feel blessed to experience life and to experience those lessons that brought me to where I am now. Right here in front of y'al. To get my eye drawn.  [The accompanying poem I chose shows] that life has beautiful, different shades, from the ups and the downs. And to not give up. To have hope that things will get better, that things have gotten better. And to know the downs in order to know what not to do, which way not to go. Don't lose hope. Things will get better.

The smile doesn't match the sadness in your eyes...

To offer you comfort is all I can do...

Your eyes tell a story...

Only those close to you know the words that go with your tears...

Though you try to smile...

You can't hide the sadness in your eyes...

The tears may not show...

Through your smile...

Your sad eyes tell a story...

To offer you comfort is all I can do...

I pray one day...

You will be the comfort...

When you see sadness in someones eyes...

Hugs...

By: sparrowsong