The reason I chose my smile is because with everything that I've been through in my life so far, I always still manage to find happiness. My healing journey is not complete and it'll probably never be complete, but to be where I am now compared to where I was maybe five, or six years ago, I have a lot to smile about. [I have] a job that I love.  I'm a school child therapist, and I love going to work. I would also say raising my kids [makes me happy]. I would never say that I'm a perfect mom, but my kids can come to me and talk to me. I can provide them with emotional support. They are really good kids.

I want to say I made it. I overcame all the barriers and all the statistics that were supposed to be placed upon me because of my trauma and as a young teen mom. I was a traumatized kid who didn't have hot water or gas, sometimes food or lights. [Now] I live in a very suburban area by a lake and my kids go to a really good school. Not only did I graduate from college, but I took the time to heal myself, not only for myself but for my children and if they decide to have children, their children. And no one taught me to do that. I had to teach myself to do that.

[I became a therapist because of] a sociology class in community college. They were talking about how trauma impacts children who are neglected or abandoned and [its effects on] the brain. I fell in love with trauma and neurobiology. After I graduated with my Bachelor's in Psychology, I landed a job as a family counselor working in the home; I would go see families and talk to them about their dynamics.  There was one family that I would never, ever forget. I remember the mom was yelling at the top of her lungs at her son. I just snapped at her, "Look at him! He's hurting! He's crying!” 

I had to let [my supervisor] know what happened, and she said, "You may need to seek a therapist." And I heard [that] several times. I was like, "Oh, no. I'm okay. I don't need to seek a therapist. I'm fine." I grew up in a Caribbean household, so you just deal with [your mental health] yourself. But I couldn’t sleep. I would have really bad nightmares about my childhood. At that point I started [trying] to find the right therapist for me.

[I found a therapist] from a Caribbean background; someone from the same background may understand. She was very honest and told me, "This is not going to be easy. You can let me know if you want to continue or not. This is your journey."  In our very first session, we did an exercise where she talked to my inner child. That was the first time anyone ever separated the two - the adult [from] the little girl. It was weird at first. You're talking to me, but you're not talking to me. At that moment, I just felt safe. For the first time, I felt like my inner child had a voice to share what she's always wanted to share.

For me, shadow work is connecting with yourself, looking at all the different parts of you that you may not like. I was very grateful for that practice because I [realized] there are some things that I do that are resonant with my trauma that I thought were just “normal” behavior. My trauma or anxiety [created the] feeling that I have to do 1001 jobs to feel enough. There was not a lot of emotional support [or] consistency [growing up].  You never know when there's going to be a fight or when my dad decided he's going to be mad at everybody. [I did a lot of] hiding in my room because if you come out of your room, then you're a target. So one of the things my therapist taught me was to update your inner child. Checking in with her is giving her that reassurance and also being very aware when she is managing my life. I can feel when my inner child is trying to tell me to just do a whole bunch of stuff because that's what we're used to. [I tell her,] "No, it's okay. We can just lay here and relax all day, put the dishes in the dishwasher, order take out, it's okay."

It's a lot of work, and it's not every day that I'm good at it, but it helps me to be more present in this life than in the past life. I journal a lot, so I will update her: "Yesterday we did X, Y, and Z, and we met new friends." If a flashback or memory comes up, [I ask,] "Do you remember this time and how we felt? But now look at where we are. We have our own place. We took a leap and we moved 2.5 hours away with nothing and started over and it's been great." [I tell my inner child] that we're safe, we have a voice, we're older. Even when days are tough and overwhelming, I always meditate and sit and ask, "What do you need right now? I see that you're hurting. What is going on?" And if it's just to cry, it's to cry. Or it's “let's go to the gym,” Sweat it out or go for a walk or I live by a lake, so “let's go to the lake.”

Even though I started with a therapist because of work, it feels good to talk. I enjoy that for 60 minutes it's all about me and I don't have to share my space with anyone. And I realize that's all I ever really wanted. I just felt like my emotions never really mattered. I remember telling my therapist, "I don't feel like a trapped, caged bird anymore." I felt with her guidance and support, I was able to finally open the cage door and walk out and feel free because I didn't have to hide myself or shame myself or be someone different. I let it all out. The good, the bad, the ugly, everything. And she sat in it with me, and that's all I ever wanted.

I went on a silent meditation retreat on Memorial Day weekend. The teacher had us put one hand on our heart and one hand on our stomach, and meditate. He said, "Define love to you." I remember my entire body shut down. I felt like I couldn't move. My heart was beating really fast. I started to cry and I was like, "Oh, no. I need to get out of this," but my body was resistant.

I didn't realize that while doing bodywork, some things [still] came up. When I [told] my therapist, he said, "You've always worked with your trauma in your mind, but you never really dealt with it through your body. That’s your body's natural reaction to what you've been through.” It was very tough for me at first.  When I'm paralyzed in my body and I'm trying to talk myself out of it, it takes a while. [Energy gets stuck in] my hips; I always notice my hips and my legs get really tight. [But I know] that I'm not alone in this process, that I do have the tools and skills to make myself feel better.

One of my love languages is words of affirmation. Whenever I get stuck in a position, I remember the instructor saying, "Take your time. You can do whatever is comfortable for you. There's no right or wrong way to do it." As someone who dealt with trauma and anxiety, there's always a right way to do something and if it's not right, then it's "wrong." So to hear there's no right or wrong way, your journey is your journey, that makes me feel good. If I need to sit in child's pose for the next pose, I'm going to sit in child's pose. I'm aware that I'm not a fixing project. If I notice that my body is resistant to it because I'm tired or I'm just not engaged or my thoughts are somewhere else, that is okay.

In the beginning, I felt very tired after, like I was drained and couldn't do anything else. Now I'm excited to go, to see what my body can do and what kind of things can be released. Depending on the new yoga pose we do, I usually feel powerful, like [I] accomplished something.

I spoke at [Women Against Abuse’s Ipledge] last year. I wrote a speech and I spoke about my journey as a domestic violence child survivor and where I am now. When my dad eventually slowed down beating my mom he started beating me and my sisters. You're in a domestic violence relationship because it's what you already know, because of what you experienced as a child. And then when I went on the website, there were no [stories from] survivors’ children.  And I was like, "Well, I have a story to share." A lot of children deal with domestic violence. And even now at 34, I'm still dealing with it.  I will always be missing a part of my mom that I wish I had, that I probably would never get from her until she healed herself, which no one talks about. [Speaking at Ipledge,] that was the moment I [knew] I had a voice. Those are my words, no one else's. This is not a facade, this is our reality. We've been through so much and now we're able to share our story, not just to tell it, [but] in a way to inspire and help someone else.

Even now, I said this earlier, even when I'm in yoga and I do a different pose, I'm like," Oh, I can do this." Or I see that I am improving in my different yoga poses. I'm like, "Oh, we can do this. Our body at one point was a beaten bag, I would say. And now we are using it to heal ourselves, to love ourselves, to change a different narrative about ourselves." And that is so amazing 

It's not an easy journey. [With healing,] you're going to go through a lot of emotional roller coasters. [But] I would say to [my younger self] that this will not last forever. It is a moment. It is a season right now, but it will not last forever. When we get older we can decide who we want in our life, who we don't want all our life. You have a voice. And you don't have to be afraid to be yourself. You don't have to hide it because who you are is wonderful.