One [scar I have] is the loss of my daughter, which is still painful to this day. It's been 13 years. I've tried to remind myself that she was one of the best things that ever happened to me, but I also had to [say] goodbye to her. I struggle with that on a daily basis. I lost my child to domestic violence. Not cancer. Not a shooting. Not a robbery. To domestic violence. 

I remember calling so many different organizations saying, "Hey, listen, What can I do? I want to let somebody know about this." I don't even know how I got Women Against Abuse's number. I was home that day and I got a call, "Let's sit down. Let's talk today."  I couldn't believe that an organization that was for women would sit down and find time for a man to express his pain. I was confused, but I was elated at the same time. I need help as a man, as a father, as a grandfather, and they heard me. So with Women Against Abuse, it's a family bond. They were the only ones at my darkest time that gave me a chance to come in and say- like you said today, "If you want to cry, cry. There's no one here." And maybe that's why it was so easy to talk about this again because this is where it started from. To me, it's a godsend. 

That's why it's so important that I go out and tell my daughter’s story. I just tell people, "Please make the phone call." Women Against Abuse just allowed me to come into their office at my lowest. She never rushed me. She said, "Take your time. Take as long as you want."

I'm the only child that my mother and my father had. They left me with my grandmother and grandfather because they wanted to come up north to have a better life. It always felt like I was the outsider in the family. Don't get me wrong, I know they love me, but I feel like I didn't get treated like everybody else did. I never was able to get closure or confront them. When I got older, I traveled. I just try to stay busy and not think about it, but in the back of my mind, that little boy was always there. He’s still inside of me now as a grown man and as a father, as a grandfather. 

I don't even know where I got the strength from [to get through it.] I guess that little voice in me said, "You're going to be okay. You're going to be alright." When I had [my daughter,] it solidified that it's not [my fault]. [She] gave me so much.  She always took the pain away. [My daughter] was the funniest part of my life. Her smile. The way she would dance. The way she would tell people about her and me, just our funny times together. Watching her sleep. Seeing her have a son. Seeing each one of her sons grow up. Different personalities, but all of them have her traits. It could be her temper, her craziness, or her appetite. Each one of those boys had a different attribute of their mom.

And with my grandsons, I was so protective of them. I promised their mother that no matter what, I would be there. I had to make sure the boys stayed together, that they didn't want for anything. Oh, my God. It seemed so hard then, but it turned out it was so easy. That was my purpose. 

I'm finding that self-care is what's best for me. When I feel that I need that time away from my family, I let them know I just need some downtime, whether it's by the water, reading a book or going running. The biggest thing I do, which is so relaxing for me, is I sit by the water, the ocean, and just look out there. The tranquility of it all and the sound and the flow just takes my mind away from what my heart is feeling. You can close your eyes and I can just feel whatever is inside, I can just release it into the energy, to the ocean, and just let it go. 

Over the past four years, I’ve had a journal.  I write how my day was, and what made it a good day. It could have been someone at my job, someone saying the nicest things, [or] seeing someone on the street doing something very unique. And then if I had a bad day, it could have been something that triggered some kind of pain or loss. So I write it down. And then after ten days, I disregard it, because I don't want to hold on to it. I put it in there, I write it down and I release it. That's gotten me through so much.

Self care for me is just finding my ways to make me happy now and live my life to the fullest. I just realized that we never know what's going to happen. I needed to make sure that I live my life and treat people the way that I would want to be treated. 

One Christmas I was really down because my daughter wasn't here. We always do something for her, no matter what. And what shocked me was I was normally the one who called for the group hug, but this time they said, "We got you." Everybody got me in the center. And they gave me a group hug. And we all just laughed and we cried. I love my family group hugs. Even my dad and my mom, we've gotten into it and that's our way. That's so powerful to have that energy from your mother and your father and I'm in the middle. And they both say, "Son, we love you," and they’re just holding me.  I can express my love through [my family] now. We're grown men having conversations, with their girlfriends and family, everyone is there just staying focused. To me, there's nothing in my day that could be so miserable, no matter how angry I may get, when I look at them, that just takes all that away. 

As always, thanks for just allowing me to talk about things that hurt the most, allowing me to talk about layers of years that I have never opened up, was so unexpected.  I think what made it easier [is that] WAA is just home. I could just lay everything out on the table for this organization, and I won't be judged. Find someone who you can truly talk to. No matter what age you are or whatever you're going through, just try to connect with someone. 

Today I'm going to go home, and help my son with his homework. And then [my other sons are] coming over around eight. We're going to be having dinner tonight. And, the hug, of course. 

Hugging Activity

Walls for Justice Gallery, Cherry Street Pier - Jun 7th - July 7th

Hugs have the ability to soothe and nurture us. We hope our stories inspire compassion and connection for ourselves and others.

If you are open to giving a hug to your closest neighbor and they consent, please grab a butterfly and write your initials on it and place it anywhere in the gallery.

Even if you choose to decline a hug, feel free to write a message of hope and positivity that you would like to tell survivors and their loved ones. Any act of kindness has the ability to incite change and this colorful mural will act as a visual representation of support.